Teens and health

How do I talk to my teenager about dating, relationships and sex?

By the time your son or daughter enters puberty, he or she should be well aware of the biology driving the physical changes going on in their bodies. Discussions should advance from the basics to conversations about relationships between men and women, dating, responsibilities of sexual activity, birth control and sexually transmitted diseases.

Its not just about sex, it's about relationships
Just as infants mimic their parents' physical movements, young adolescents begin to base their psychological and social behavior on the adults in their lives. How you interact with members of the opposite sex can have a tremendous influence on your child's teenage dating relationships. Understand that how you act with your spouse sends a more powerful message to your teenager than all the conversations in the world.

Help your child avoid unhealthy dating patterns
Talk with your teenager using concrete examples such as how much better you feel when you tell Dad what makes you angry rather than trying to bury your anger. Tell your son how much better it is to say what's on his mind rather than picking a fight unrelated to the real issues that bother him. Teach assertiveness to your child. Show them how to state feelings, opinions and desires without apology and teach them to listen to others do the same. Compliment them when they do it.

Talk about the unspoken rules of dating
Don't assume your teenager knows the etiquette of dating. Talk about what your son might want to say to a date's parents or how you might practice calling a girl you've met but don't know well.

Be honest
Many teens have romanticized views of dating. Talk to your daughter or son about how to avoid an unwelcome sexual advance. Help them think about phrases they might use to get out of uncomfortable situations, such as "I'm not ready to go that far. Can we talk about it?"

Teach your child how to negotiate in relationships
Compromise and taking turns are part of healthy relationships. If she likes to go to romantic movies, and her date only takes her to action films, suggest she discuss alternating one with the other.

Discuss warning signs
Any kind of violence — a shove, slap, or push — is unacceptable and a sign of danger ahead. Stress openness. Any relationship that's steeped in mystery can result in manipulation. Your child should feel comfortable talking to you, teachers or counselors if he or she feels uncomfortable about a relationship.

When the rubber hits the road
Four out of 10 teenage girls in the U.S. become pregnant before the age of 20. Talk to your teenagers about teenage pregnancy and have him or her visualize how parenthood would change their lives and result in their shouldering adult responsibilities before their time.

Discuss your own feelings about teenage sex and advise them to think seriously about what sharing intimacy means to them. Talk about peer pressure and how they can be popular while resisting casual sexual relationships. Make sure no matter how much you prefer they not have sex that they know about contraception and have an opportunity for private conversations with their health care provider. Talk about sexually transmitted diseases and how they can cause infertility, serious illness and even death.

Lecturing or threatening your son or daughter will probably not be an effective way to help your teenager learn about how to develop healthy boy-girl relationships. Being a positive role model and using honesty, openness and love to help your teenager become a happy, healthy adult is more likely to have a long-term positive result.

For more information about talking about sex with your teenager, visit the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy for 10 very helpful tips for parents.

For more information

Physician Referral Online A free and confidential service of Yale-New Haven Hospital. Physician Referral Online Using your own criteria, you can request information from a database of 900 area physicians who have registered to participate. Request an appointment We would be happy to assist you in scheduling an appointment with a member of the hospital's medical staff. Use the link above or call: (203) 688-2000 or toll-free (888) 700-6543 to talk with a referral coordinator.

Reviewed: Robert LaCamera, MD April 2002 (JM)
Last Revised: June 6, 2007 (dh)

All information is intended for your general knowledge and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should seek prompt medical care for any specific health issues and consult your physician before starting a new fitness regimen.