Child behavior

Adolescent rebellion:
A survival guide for living with a teenager

Probably the main task of adolescents in our culture is to develop an independent identity separate from their parents. Teenagers try to establish more adult, less dependent relationships with parents, and this can cause a certain amount of normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil and restlessness. Emotions usually run high, and mood swings are common. Adolescent rebellion usually starts at 12 to 14 years of age. It may continue for at least two years, but it is not uncommon for this stage to last four to six years.

Every child, every parent and every family unit is different, but some general guidelines can help you help your teenager during this period of transition.

Treat your teenager as an adult friend
By the time your child is 12-years-old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have when he or she is an adult. Treat your child how you would like him or her to treat you when she's an adult. The goal is mutual respect, support and mutual enjoyment. Try to have relaxed conversations while doing things such as bicycling, hiking, shopping, driving and cooking. Friendship with your teenager doesn't mean changing your own behavior or values in an attempt to be popular with her. It does mean paying attention to what she says by listening carefully and making nonjudgmental comments. Try to avoid "should"s and "don't"s. Listening doesn't mean you have to solve his or her problems or have all answers. It means you care about what he or she is thinking and feeling.

Avoid criticism about "no win" topics
Every family has sensitive issues they can't agree on, but constant criticism about the way your teen dresses or the music he or she plays doesn't gain any ground. It only sets the stage for developing a negative relationship. Much teenage behavior you find objectionable results from wanting to conform to peer group tastes. This conformity to a group look or way of behaving is a natural part of adolescent development. Dressing, talking and acting differently from adults help teenagers feel independent. Backing off and avoiding critical comments about relatively harmless personal choices can ward off rebellion into more dangerous territory such as drugs or truancy. Take action only if your teenager's behavior is truly harmful, illegal or infringes on your rights.

Let your teen learn from experience
School requirements for arriving on time will influence when your teen goes to bed. School grades will usually hold her accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your teenager has bad work habits, he will lose his job. If your teen makes a poor choice of friends, she may get into trouble. If he doesn't practice hard for a sport, he will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she spends her allowance or earnings unwisely, she'll run out of money before the end of the month. Be supportive, but don't always bail out a teenager whose bad decisions lead to trouble — unless he or she is doing something illegal or dangerous. Teenagers need plenty of opportunities to learn from their mistakes before they leave home.

Clarify the house rules and consequences of breaking them
You have the right and responsibility to make rules regarding your house and possessions. Writing down the rules helps cut down on misunderstandings. You might tolerate your teen's preferences within his or her own room, but not throughout the house. You can forbid loud music or incoming telephone calls after a certain hour of the evening that interferes with other people's sleep. Make your teen's friends feel welcome in your home, but clarify the ground rules. Let your teen clean his or her room and wash and iron clothes. Decide and make it clear whether a teenager can borrow your car, clothing or other possessions.

Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo and car privileges. Working for the money to repair or replace damaged articles is also appropriate. For behavior that's more serious, you may need to ground him for a day or a weekend.

Use family conferences to negotiate house rules. Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. It gives you and your teen a definite opportunity to ask for changes in the rules or to bring up family issues that are causing problems. Families often function better if decision making is democratic. The atmosphere should be: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"

Give space to a teenager in a bad mood
When your teen is in a bad mood, he or she generally won't want to talk about it. Give lots of space and privacy at such times. Try to avoid talking about any topic, pleasant or otherwise, at this time.

Provide an example of how to act when angry
Expect some backtalk but don't tolerate rudeness. We want teenagers to express anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in a logical way. Expect your teenager to present his case awkwardly and perhaps unreasonably, and let the small stuff go. But don't accept disrespectful remarks, such as calling you an "idiot" or "jerk." Respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you call me those names or don't answer my questions." Express statements in as non-angry a manner as possible. If your adolescent continues to make hostile, unpleasant remarks, you should leave the room. Don't get into a shouting match. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and to express anger, but screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your home.

Danger signs
If you follow the above guidelines and your relationship with your teen doesn't improve within three months, it may be time to seek professional advice from your pediatrician, mental health professional or school counselor, particularly if he or she shows evidence of the following behaviors:

• Depression, suicidal thoughts, heavy drinking or drug use, plans to run away.
• Dangerous risk-taking such as reckless driving or unsafe sex.
• Inability to form relationships with peers.
• Marked decline in school performance.
• Frequent school skipping.
• Violent outbursts of temper.

Learn more
• YNHH Health Library: Adolescent Health Problems and Injuries

Reviewed: Robert LaCamera, MD
Last revised: Jan. 8, 2008 (dh)

Home page URL: http://www.ynhh.org

All information is intended for your general knowledge and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should seek prompt medical care for any specific health issues and consult your physician before starting a new fitness regimen.